Shizuo's Bow Tie
by CircusRunaway
Summary: Hi, I'm Shizuo's sunglasses. Shizuo's shoes need hearing aids, and his bow tie thinks it's gangsta. But who's this scrawny human with the bitchy jacket? And would somebody please give his switchblade some Xanax? Shizuo/Izaya. COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

**Rating:** T for now, will probably go up to M in chapter two (since this chapter is already pushing it haha)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Durarara, or any of the characters involved. Thanks for reminding me.

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><p>"Yo yo yo! You be speakin' ta Shizuo's bow tie, homie! Wut chu lookin' at? Never seen a talkin' bow tie before? I got chu! Welcome to a slice of the high life, cheese wiz!"<p>

"Hey, uhm, Bow Tie…"

"OH MA GAWD, BITCH! You did _not _just interrupt the main dawg in this here joint!"

_Sigh._

Hello. I see you've already met Shizuo's bow tie. He thinks he's the shit.

"Why you be huffin' Specs? You be jealous of ma rappin?"

"For the hundredth time, don't call me that!" I snap, slipping slightly on Shizuo's nose. The human barely notices, pushing me back into place with his index finger. "My name is Spectacles. S-P-E-C-T-A-C-L-E-S," I add, spelling it out for him.

"Youz be pimpin', Specs!"

I sigh again. What causes a neck garment to think it's a gangsta, I'll never know.

"WHAT? WHO HAS A PIMPLE?" two voices shout in unison. I look down, catching a glimpse of Right Shoe before he disappears and is replaced by Left Shoe.

"Sup, shoes? Forgot you two waz here, brothas!" calls out Bow Tie.

"SHIZUO'S BROTHER? WHERE?" they yell.

I guess it's kinda hard to hear from all the way down there. And the constant crunching of gravel doesn't help, either.

Shizuo stops walking, and I faintly hear the shoes squeaking out complaints. Suddenly, Bow Tie stops rapping and shouts, "We gotta rookie! Wazzup, G?"

I look down when a wisp of smoke slides against me, and sure enough, a cigarette is poking out from Shizuo's mouth.

"Hahahahahahaha! Oh my gawd! Haha- that- HAHA! TICKLES!" the cigarette gasps. Shizuo continues to take long drags, causing the cigarette to squeal.

_Sigh. _You know that myth that says a bit of your soul dies every time you sigh? I really hope that's not true. I'm pretty sure it's not, though, since I probably would have lost my soul a long time ago if it were.

Wait. Do sunglasses have souls?

"Hey!"

I snap out of my reverie when the cigarette lands on the ground, already bent in the middle.

"OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY!" yells Right Shoe, coming down to grind on the cigarette.

"NOTHING PERSONAL!" shouts Left Shoe as he passes by.

I brace myself. This can only mean one thing.

"Well if it isn't the fancy-pants ensemble."

_Sigh_.

Goodbye, soul.

"Aw, what's wrong, Testicles?" mewls Jacket, swaying slightly as her human walks toward Shizuo.

"My name is Spectacles," I correct her. "And get lost."

"No can do," she sings. "Come on, I just wanna play!"

"Youz be getting' on ma nerves, yo! Don't be messin' with us, shortie! We be pimpin'! We da G-Spot!"

"Do you even know what that means?" scoffs Jacket. Her fur bristles slightly when she leans closer.

"AH!" I become disoriented when Shizuo pulls me off his face, sticking me down by Bow Tie. I hang on for dear life, and Bow Tie shouts out a welcome.

"Hiya!" someone screams, almost nicking my blue glass.

Oh, great.

"Yo, Switchblade! Watch where chu stickin' yo mug!" defends Bow Tie. My grasp on Shizuo's shirt tightens.

"Too fast for you! Swish! Can't touch this!" Switchblade screeches, but he's farther away now.

Jacket laughs, fluttering wildly as her human hops a few meters away. "Catch me if you can, boys!"

Shizuo growls, a deep sounds that rumbles against Bow Tie and I. We brace ourselves as the wind around us whooshes past.

"WEEEEEH! FASTER!" yell the shoes, and Shizuo picks up speed. They scream in delight, while Bow Tie and I scream in horror.

"Yo, yo, mang! Slow down homie! This dawg aint lovin' the speed!"

"Can't even see me! Quick as lightning!" shrieks Switchblade. That guy really needs to calm down.

Shizuo lets out a yell of frustration when he loses sight of the other human. I wish I could understand what humans say. It would explain a lot of things.

For instance, maybe it would explain why Shizuo wears what he does. Not that we're complaining.

Maybe it would explain why he's so nice to some people, while he throws other people in front of moving trucks.

And maybe it would help me understand why Shizuo gets so emotional when he sees that scrawny human. How come, when he sees those red eyes, his whole attitude changes?

Maybe I'm thinking too hard about this.

After all, his heartbeat might only _seem_ different because I'm not normally this close to it.

But are hearts really supposed to skip a beat when certain humans are nearby?

"Visit ma pad anytime, dawg!" says Bow Tie as Shizuo lifts me up. I rest clumsily on his nose, and it's slippery with sweat.

As we make our way past a dark alleyway, Shizuo halts. Quiet sobs emit from the darkness, and I peer down at what Shizuo is gawking at.

The shoes whisper something as we get close to the noise, but I can't make out what they're saying.

It's Jacket. She's crumpled and dirty on the alleyway floor, her fur quivering in the breeze.

"Izaya?" she asks hopefully when Shizuo bends down to grab her. The expression on the human's face is unreadable. It's scary.

Jacket quickly realizes who it is and gets angry. "No! Don't touch me, you filthy human! I'd rather rot forgotten in an alley than be handled by you!"

"Christ, Jacket. Calm down!" I snap, though I'm not too happy about this either.

"Ha! Looks like yo pimp dropped yo sorry ass," cheers Bow Tie. The shoes snicker in agreement, causing Jacket's fur to bristle.

"It was an accident," she snaps, but her voice breaks.

I can't help but feel a little bad.

We soon find ourselves back at Shizuo's apartment. He kicks the shoes off by the door ("AW COME ON! YOU NEVER WEAR US IN THE HOUSE!"), before setting Jacket in the middle of the table. He plops down in a chair, loosens Bow Tie, and then stares at Jacket.

And stares.

And stares.

And…. stares some more.

"Erm," says Jacket awkwardly.

Shizuo continues to stare.

"Hey, uh, Testacles?"

"Spectacles," I state simply.

"Same thing."

"No, it's not."

"Whatever. Do you know what's going on?"

I don't respond. I pretend to ignore her because I'm mad, but really, I have no idea either.

Bow Tie clears his throat. "Imma fess up and say dis haz gotz ta be da most awkward sitiation eva," he says.

Shizuo shifts a bit, reaching out his hand. We all hold our breath (well, we would be if we had breath). We all know that this is the moment we've been waiting for: Shizuo is going to rip Jacket apart.

I wish I could close my eyes, because I really don't want to see this. Even though we have our differences, watching a fellow article of clothing get destroyed by human hands is not okay. It's terrifying, really. And so, when Shizuo's hand grabs a tuff of Jacket's fur and drags her closer, I can't help but feel awful. I feel like I should say something, anything that will make her feel better. But I can't seem to think. I just sit on his nose, watching. A sharp sob escapes from Jacket when she reaches the edge of the table, right in front of Shizuo. His expression transforms from serious contemplation to something I can't read. He looks scary again.

Oh no! Here it comes!

…

Huh.

This is interesting.

Jacket turns eerily quiet as Shizuo begins to stroke her fur. His fingers move through it hesitantly at first, and his lips purse in what can only be described as a scowl. Jacket remains silent, just like the rest of us, lost for words.

Shizuo's face turns from a scowl to an expression of curiosity. His fingers move back and forth across the fur. His eyes turn worrisome, obviously confused.

Ha. Not nearly as confused as we are.

Jacket begins to purr when his hands begin to lazily smooth the fur down. His fingers rake through her tangles, pulling out a crunchy leaf. He smiles.

I slip down his nose, startled. That was the most gentle smile I have ever seen!

"Whut da hellz?" asks Bow Tie. Well, that pretty much sums up my thoughts.

I try not to let it bother me, though. I mean, Shizuo never looks at me like that. So what? I mean, I'm not going to get jealous over something as stupid as- oh my god.

He's putting her in the washing machine.

Let me explain why this infuriates me to no end:

Shizuo does not do the laundry. He has so many of the same outfits, so he doesn't bother washing anything. He just throws away his dirty clothes and opens up a new pack. I think this explains why Bow Tie, the shoes, and me are the only things that have personalities. We've been around for so long that we acquired souls, while his other clothes are simply there for a day, maybe three days tops. The only time something challenged this theory was when Shizuo wore a vest that kept insisting its previous owner was King George III. The same day, the vest got sweaty and Shizuo threw him out. It kept ordering its nonexistent British military to attack from inside the dumpster, until the garbage truck came and took him away.

So yeah. Shizuo _never_ does the laundry.

He never cleans me with anything but his fingers, which usually makes the smudges worse. And the only time he even _attempted_ cleaning Bow Tie was when he received a sample pack of Febreeze in the mail.

Stupid Jacket.

Shizuo hangs her up to dry before heading to bed. Jacket teases me. She knows I'm jealous.

… Even though I'm _not!_

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><p>It's the next day, and nothing important happens.<p>

"I BEG TO DIFFER!"

Okay, Right Shoe stepped in some gum. But it's not going to kill him.

Shizuo's was acting weird. He was distracted, and he kept looking around. The human he works with seemed concerned, too, especially when Shizuo threw a vending machine at a tree.

He probably thought it was that scrawny human. I mean, the tree _was _pretty thin.

We arrive at the apartment earlier than usual. Jacket is waiting for us, resting on the back of the computer chair. She shouts happily when she sees us.

It's funny how much she changed after her appointment with the washing machine. I think that thing is magic. It cleans all the way down to the _soul_.

Shizuo starts undressing, setting me down on the desk next to Bow Tie. The human glances at Jacket, sighing and running a hand through his hair.

"I wish he would do that to me again," hums Jacket, watching Shizuo walk to the bathroom and close the door.

"Wow. Youz a whore," says Bow Tie. I giggle.

"You two are just jealous," accuses Jacket haughtily. "He likes me better. He thinks I'm beautiful."

"You know," I snort, "you sure are acting big after your human left you to decompose in some alleyway."

"I told you, it was an accident!" she snaps. "He was running away and I slipped off and fell!"

"Uh, wudn't he, like, notice dat yo waz gone?" asks Bow Tie.

Jacket hesitates. "O-Of course not!" she stutters. "He… he was r-running for his life!"

I know that she's lying. I feel a pang of guilt for bringing it up. I can hear the shower turn off, and I think of the possibility of Shizuo intentionally leaving me behind.

No, it's too awful. I can't even think about it.

Shizuo soon comes out of the shower, dressed in boxers and a t-shirt. It's still daylight, but he slips into bed, exausted. I watch him fall asleep (there's nothing better to do, alright?) as the light from behind the blinds slowly dims.

I look at the clock. It's been five hours since Shizuo went to bed. The room is dark, but the red glow from the clock outlines the objects in the room. Jacket hangs silently from the chair, and Bow Tie is quietly practicing a new rap. I sigh (I've really got to stop doing that), when a noise causes me to perk up. It sounds like the front door being unlocked.

"INTRUDER! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" I hear the shoes yell together.

A moment later, the bedroom door slowly creaks open. A head pops in, surveying the scene, before red eyes zero in on Jacket.

"IZAYA!" screams Jacket. "I KNEW YOU WOULD COME FOR ME!"

I don't know why she bothers, since humans can't hear us. Her human doesn't really move from his spot in the doorway. He simply stands there and frowns, moving his gaze from Jacket over to where Shizuo is sleeping. He turns back to Jacket.

"Yes! Yes, take me home! Oh, how I've missed you," sings Jacket as her human approaches her. He lifts her off the chair and she purrs. The human frowns again, bringing Jacket to his face and breathing in.

"Hm," he grunts, sniffing again.

"Yes, don't I smell beautiful?" coos Jacket. "Shizuo washed me, because I was filthy after you threw me in that alleyway!"

He… threw Jacket? Does that mean he placed her there intentionally? That doesn't make any sense, unless he _wanted_ Shizuo to find Jacket.

The scrawny human is smirking now, beginning to rub Jacket all over him.

"Wha-Hey! But I don't want to smell like sweat! I just got washed!" complains Jacket.

"Dude, humans can't get chu, get ma drift?" interjects Bow Tie.

"Well excuse me for trying," huffs Jacket. "Sometimes I feel like Izaya understands me."

Her human (Izaya, right?) stops rubbing himself and smells Jacket again. Satisfied, he tiptoes over to Shizuo's bed.

"Wut he doin', Specs?" Bow Tie hisses.

We watch as Izaya leans over, peeling the covers off Shizuo. The blonde grunts against the cold, groping around him for any sign of warmth. Izaya snickers- which sounds way too much like Jacket- and places Jacket in Shizuo's grasp.

The blonde hums, turning over and burying his face in Jacket's fur. She squeaks, probably wondering what the hell is going on. Breathing in, Shizuo must realize something's different, because his eyebrows furrow.

Izaya leans over again, whispering something in Shizuo's ear. The blonde tenses considerably, rolling in his sleep to face the scrawny human. Izaya chuckles, and Shizuo clutches Jacket desperately. I don't like this. Shizuo's clearly upset, even if he is unconscious.

The scrawny human stops whispering things, choosing instead to stand up and watch Shizuo sleep. I don't understand this at all.

Well, at least he's not here to murder Shizuo.

But still, whatever he's doing to him, I don't like it. Even though Izaya stopped talking to him, Shizuo is now trembling slightly in his sleep. I try calling out to Jacket, but she's quiet (she probably fainted from fright).

Izaya continues to watch, seemingly waiting for something. Shizuo bites down his lip and murmurs something, causing Izaya to smirk. Apparently, whatever he had been waiting for just happened.

Bow Tie and I watch in helpless horror from the desk as Izaya leans down, trailing his fingers lightly across Shizuo's exposed stomach. The blonde mumbles something, and Izaya smirks again. I wish I had hands to slap him with.

"Uh, Spec, ma man… Why's dat snitch gettin' on da bed?"

I can't speak. My voice is lost, because I finally realize what's going on. Izaya leans close to Shizuo, blowing into his ear before voicing a breathing moan.

The bulge in Shizuo's boxers is obvious.

Izaya kneels next to my poor, vulnerable human and carefully pushes his shirt up, pressing gently against taught nipples. Shizuo subconsciously arches into the touch, groaning and twisting in a way that mortifies us all.

Izaya licks the shell of his ear before sitting back, nodding at his job well done. He crawls off the bed and composes himself, heading to the bedroom door.

"Wait!" Jacket calls desperately. "Don't leave me!"

The scrawny human slips out of the room, and I hear the apartment door click shut softly.

"HE LEFT!" shout the shoes. Gee, thanks. I hadn't noticed. "EVERYONE STILL ALIVE IN THERE?"

"I'm not sure," I respond, my voice shaking. I look over at Bow Tie, who is currently whispering some gangsta words over and over. This time, however, it sounds more like a panicked mantra than a rap song.

Jacket is trying to calm herself down by humming _The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow, _and Shizuo is panting heavily. Izaya left him in a state of unconscious arousal, the blonde twisting himself around in the sheets and clinging onto Jacket for dear life.

I try to ignore the moans and grunts coming from the bed, praying the sun will rise early today.

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><p><strong>AN: **Continue? I'm a sucker for comments :p


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Sooo I decided to split this up into three parts! Sorry for totally lying to you. This story is just getting a bit longer than I anticipated.  
><strong>Rated:<strong> T for now (this is guaranteed to bump up to M in part three).  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> DRRR! does not belong to me. But maybe someday…?

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><p>To put it simply, Shizuo is <em>confused<em> today. He woke up in disgust, looking down at himself and his sheets.

Time for an appointment with Dr. Washing Machine.

The next thing he noticed was Jacket. The poor thing had spent all night being twisted and sniffed by Shizuo. She cried quietly, not stopping even when he released her from his hold.

Then, the memories of the night before came flooding back. By the look in Shizuo's face, he was furious- at himself, probably, for dreaming about you-know-who. Or maybe he was mad at you-know-who for invading his dreams so inappropriately.

Whatever. As long as it doesn't happen again.

So now, here we are, walking through the pouring rain. Shizuo brought Jacket along this time, probably to get rid of her so last night's imaginary events won't be repeated.

"Chu seem pretty silent dis fine day, Specs," comments Bow Tie, bringing me back from my thoughts.

"This fine day? What do you mean, _this fine day_? Where were _you_ last night," spits Jacket. "Oh, that's right. You were on the desk, WHILE I WAS BEING HUMPED LIKE A PROSTITUTE!"

Okay, wow.

I think she's going through the five stages of grief. She was definitely in denial all morning, noting how lovely the rain felt on her sleeves, and occasionally breaking out in hysterical song. She got over it pretty quick, and now she's in the anger stage.

I'm still not sure what she's grieving, though. The death of her dignity?

"Woah, chillax, womang," says Bow Tie.

"Chillax? _Chillax_?" screeched Jacket.

"EX-LAX? IS SHIZUO CONSTIPATED?" shrieks Left Shoe. I think he's the stupid one of the pair.

Oh, shit. Shizuo's zoning out again.

And that tree is way too close for comfort.

"Watch out!" I yell. Shizuo hits the wet bark, and I'm pleased to say that this collision is one of the more pleasant ones we've experienced today. Nothing compared to the brick wall, anyway. The tree shakes from the force, sending damp blossoms floating down around us. Some stick the blonde's hair, but he doesn't notice. He rolls his shoulders back and continues on his way, ignoring the laughter coming from a small child nearby.

"I hope your human hits his head hard enough to die," says Jacket. I ignore her, checking myself over for scratches.

"You alright up there, Specs?" Bow Tie calls out to me.

"I think so," I respond, "but I don't know how many more of those I can take."

"LAMPPOST!" scream the shoes.

"You have got to be kidding me," I hiss as we all brace ourselves for impact. Shizuo makes a surprised grunting sound as his face smacks into the pole. The metal is slick from the rain, and I try to hold on for dear life while the water runs cold between Shizuo's nose and me.

I'm not going to make it.

"Specs!" shouts Bow Tie as I plummet past him. I tighten my frame around my lenses, distantly wondering why Shizuo wears sunglasses on rainy days.

Goodbye cruel world!

Dawt dawt dawt.

Naturally, I'm shocked when I don't hit the concrete. Instead, I feel long, cool fingers wrap around me, saving me from a harsh demise.

I'm even _more _surprised when I realize it isn't Shizuo who saved me.

"Izaya!" Jacket exclaims. "Oh, Izaya, take me back, please! I'll do anything to be taken away from this monster! I'll be the best jacket you ever had! I'll keep you twice as warm! No, three times as warm!"

Stage three: bargaining.

Shizuo is frozen in place, eyes wide and staring at Izaya. I slip around in the scrawny human's hands as he says something, and I hope with all my glassy little heart that he won't break me.

Izaya says something and smirks, eyes flickering down to where Shizuo is holding Jacket. Shizuo looks down too, frowning.

Oh, how I wish I knew the human language.

Then the scrawny human leans in close, murmuring something in Shizuo's ear. The blonde snaps his gaze back up, his face flushing in a way I've never seen before.

I'm beginning to feel a bit ignored.

This melancholic feeling doesn't last long. Panic soon kicks in, because Izaya is running away, and Shizuo still _won't move!_

"Specs!" shouts Bow Tie.

"Izayaaaa!" cries Jacket.

"MOVE YOUR FRICKING FEET, HUMAN!" scream the shoes.

But all their voices go unheard by the blonde, who is apparently stuck to the ground and disappearing fast from my sight. The scrawny human chuckles, gripping me tightly as he scales a wall.

I begin to cry.

Goodbye, cruel world. For real this time.

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><p>Damn.<p>

I mean, daaaaaaaaaamn.

I'll admit it: Shizuo's apartment's got nothin' on this.

I look around in awe as soon as the kidnapper (glassnapper?) sets me down on a fancy looking table. He doesn't seem to mind the water dripping off of me and onto the polished wood.

I watch him with interest as he removes his shirt, wringing it out and cursing.

Ha. Bet he wishes he had Jacket now.

The dark-haired human moves about the room, putting a kettle on the stove and dropping his wet shirt to the floor. He pauses next to me, slipping his hand in his pocket and pulling out… oh dear god no.

"Ah ziiiing! Wocka wocka! Hiyaaaa!"

"…ahem," I cough.

"Can't touch this! Too fast! Supersonic! Don't mess with the best!"

"… hello?" I try again.

"Waaah! Swing! Woosh! Supa sharp!"

"Stop that! You're sitting on a table, for crying out loud!" I snap.

Switchblade stops rambling hysterically, seeming to notice me there for the first time.

"Woah! Howdidyougethere! Wheredidyoucomefrom? Ohmygodcanyouteleport!"

I sigh dramatically, and suddenly realize that the scrawny human is gone. I figure he's taking a shower, as the sound of rushing water rumbles through a nearby door.

Just call me Sherlock Holmes.

"THE TEA IS READY! GET IT WHILE IT'S HOT! I REPEAT: THE TEA IS READY! I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU TO DRINK THIS TEA! WOOOHOOO! TEA TIME! THE TEA IS READY!"

Oh my word, that kettle is more annoying than Switchblade. Someone kill me.

As if to answer my prayers, the bathroom door opens and out saunters the raven-haired human. He's wearing a clean version of his earlier outfit (a gray v-neck and dark skinny jeans). He makes his way to the screaming kettle, and quickly silences it. The kettle hums a song while he pours, and for some reason I'm surprised that it's not _I'm a Little Teapot._

Izaya makes a sound of contentment as he settles into the large leather sofa. He grabs the remote control and points it at the television.

"CLICK!" shouts the remote control.

You can't be serious.

"CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK! Ugh, not Desperate Housewives. Anything but Desperate H-CLICK CLICK CLICK! Oh! I like this show!"

Izaya must like the show too, because he gently sets the remote control down and sinks farther back into the couch, sipping his tea.

"Whatareyoudoinghereanyway? Zing!" blurts out Switchblade. The kettle continues to hum loudly from the kitchen counter, and the remote control is making comments about the show they're watching.

No wonder Jacket's such a bitch. She might be the only normal personality in this madhouse.

A while later, Izaya finishes his tea and turns off the television. Getting up to stretch, he glances at me before making his way to the kitchen and doing the dishes. The water faucet roars at Izaya to turn around while it relieves itself, but the human has no idea he's violating the plumbing's privacy.

The human glances at me again when he finishes, making me nervous. Why does he keep looking at me like that?

Why is he walking this way?

WHY IS HE PICKING ME UP?

Now I know how terrified Jacket must have been when Shizuo dragged her toward him from across the table. I begin to whimper. I don't want to die.

Izaya carries me down the hall and into a dark room. It's quite plain, with a bed on one side and a dresser on the other. A mirror rests on top of the dresser, and I see myself dangling from the human's hand in the mirror as he sits down on the edge of his bed.

I'm pleased to hear no obnoxious voices in this room.

The scrawny human has a weird look on his face as he turns me over in his fingers. His gaze shifts to his mirror across the room, and then back down at me. He hesitantly unfolds my arms and gets up.

Oh no. He better not be thinking what I think he's thinking!

But he is. He walks over to the mirror and stares at himself, slowly lifting me to his face. He slides my arms through his hair to rest on his ears, and pushes me up to the bridge of his nose.

Guilt racks my body, and I curse. I'm protecting someone else's eyes! This isn't right! Shizuo's going to find out! He'll hate me forever!

I am such a slut!

Izaya doesn't notice the harm he's doing to my psyche. I slip slightly, and the movement brings me to look around at our reflection. I freeze.

Something's wrong with the human. He's breathing hard, his gaze practically burning a hole in the mirror. He must have a fever, because he's trembling everywhere and his face is flushed. No, it's more than flushed. It's on fucking fire, turning so red hot that it's burning me! Get me off of this guy! Help! Someone help!

Angry hands reach up and rip me off his face, throwing me across the room. I hit the wall hard, screaming when I feel myself breaking.

Breaking. My left lens has spider web cracks crawling over the surface. I'm broken.

I'm broken.

I'm broken.

I start crying, weakly holding myself together. I feel so lost, so hurt, so useless.

Because I'm broken.

Izaya stares at me, and I inwardly cringe. He turns away, crawling into bed and pulling the covers over his head. I know he doesn't actually fall asleep, because he occasionally looks back over to me.

But I hate him. I hate him so much.

He broke me.

* * *

><p>Switchblade is uncharacteristically quiet today, but I'm thankful for that. He doesn't mention my injury. He just sits next to me in Izaya's pocket, while the human makes his way happily toward Ikebukuro.<p>

I hope a bus hits him.

Something about the way Izaya walks changes. He suddenly becomes more nervous, and less springy. Switchblade notices the adjustment as well, and he whispers something about a blonde monster being near.

_Shizuo_.

I hear his low growl, and my spirit lifts.

But then it plummets, because I remember that I'm broken.

I shrink back into the pocket. I don't want Shizuo to see me like this. I don't want the moment to come when Shizuo looks at me, shattered and useless, and throws me out because I'm no longer good enough for him. I don't deserve to be owned by such a perfect human. My loyalty is no longer valid, either. I'm no better than garbage.

But oh too soon, a hand finds it's way into my sanctuary. Izaya pulls both Switchblade and me out of his pocket. He flicks Switchblade open, and the thing immediately starts shrieking out sound effects that don't match his movements whatsoever.

And then the scrawny human holds me up for Shizuo to see. There was a sharp intake of breath.

"YOU'RE ALIVE!" shouts Left Shoe.

"WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?" shouts Right Shoe.

"Oh shit, Specs," breathes Bow Tie.

"Every day we die a little more," sighs Jacket. Wait… Jacket? I thought Shizuo would have gotten rid of her by now. I'm slightly hurt by her lack of sympathy, but then I remember her loss of dignity.

Oh, right. She must be in stage four. Depression.

Shizuo holds a signpost above his head, ready to strike. With the other hand, he's holding out Jacket, barking something angrily at Izaya.

Izaya, meanwhile, holds Switchblade out in front of him, while holding me close to his chest. He smirks and taunts Shizuo, but neither of them moves.

"What's going on?" I ask, searching the others for answers.

"Dis iz a stand-off, yo," responds Bow Tie. "I thinkz they'z makin' a trade."

All hope I had left is crushed. Once Shizuo gets a proper look at me, he won't want me back. Izaya will get Jacket returned to him in one piece, while Shizuo will receive a useless pair of shades in return.

This must have been the scrawny human's plan all along.

Izaya gradually crouches down, setting me on the cement gently. Shizuo, meters away, mirrors Izaya's movements. He places Jacket on a clean part of the sidewalk before straightening up again. The two humans exchange a few words, and Izaya moves to his right, still holding Switchblade out threateningly in front of him. Shizuo grips the signpost tighter, walking to his right as well. The pair circles each other carefully, not daring to turn their backs to the scene. None of us talk as we watch the dangerous exchange.

They're halfway now, standing across from one another while Jacket and I sit helplessly on the ground. Izaya begins creeping over to Jacket, and Shizuo continues to mirror his archenemy. Shizuo's almost to me, only a few feet away, when Izaya licks his lips subconsciously. Shizuo freezes, eyes locking on the other human's tongue, causing Izaya to freeze as well.

Izaya furrows his eyebrows, clearly confused. He licks his lips again, not realizing that his tongue is the reason Shizuo stopped in the first place.

Shizuo jerks, probably thinking back to his recent wet dreams. I inwardly groan. Not now, please. Just get this over with and then you can have all the mental breakdowns you want.

"Snap out of it, dawg," says Bow Tie. His voice shakes slightly, and I'm touched because I know he's more worried about me than Shizuo.

"JUST KEEP MOVING!" the shoes add, and I almost go deaf because they're so close to me. Izaya shuffles over to Jacket, and smirks hesitantly when Shizuo doesn't do the same with me. He's extremely confused.

The scrawny human replaces his confusion with a look of pure innocence. He eyes Shizuo from across the circle, picks Jacket up, and sniffs her.

"Normally I would wonder why you suddenly enjoy sniffing me so much," sighs Jacket, "but I honestly can't bring myself to care. Just let me die here, okay?"

Izaya sniffs her again, glancing up at Shizuo in mock surprise. He asks Shizuo something, which makes the blonde blush hard. Shizuo shouts angrily, throwing his signpost and missing.

The chase begins.

"Wait! Don't forget about me!" I bawl, but it's too late. The two are running away, leaving me broken and alone.

And then, a beautiful hawk swoops out of the sky like Pegasus and picks me up. The two of us soar above the pink marshmallow clouds before he drops in altitude, letting me go so I land perfectly on the bridge of Shizuo's nose. The love and affection bursting from Shizuo's soft gaze heals my broken lens to perfection, and the five of us run off, leaving Izaya to burn in hell.

… I wish.

Back to reality, I sob quietly on the ground and wait for someone's foot to crush me.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Wow, things got a little angsty toward the end. I promise the third chapter won't suck as much as this one.

And by the way, **I LOVE YOU ALL!** I never expected so much feedback for this story! I almost fell out of my chair when I saw all of my emails! I would give my _soul_ to you guys if my parents wouldn't kill me first.

Again, I really am sorry about the whole it-will-be-two-parts-PSYCHE!-now-it's-three-parts thing.

Comments make my world go 'round ;)


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Sorry this took so long!  
><strong>Rating: <strong>M  
><strong>Disclaimer: <strong>I don't own Durarara nor do I have any control over it's characters in real life. You'd know if I did.

* * *

><p>You know, I used to think of myself as an optimist. I was a glass half-full kinda guy. I saw the good side in everything.<p>

As Confucius once said, "Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it."

But alas, I am now quite the opposite. The glass is half-empty. Actually, if you think about it, the glass is both half-full _and_ half-empty. Duh.

And forget about Confucius and his so-called wisdom. Confucius also once said, "Man who fart in church sit in own pew." Or at least, that's Bow Tie's favorite joke…

My point is, I see absolutely no beauty in this situation whatsoever. I am officially a pessimist. But really, how could I not be? I'm broken, lost, alone, and about to be pulverized in a million different possible ways.

For example, a foot could step on me and grind me into the concrete.

That bike zipping nearby could crush me into a thousand pieces.

The wind could blow me into the road, where a truck could then proceed to make me into a Spectacles Pancake.

That dog over there could chew on me, swallow me, throw me up, re-chew on me, re-swallow me, and then shit me out in two days' time.

How long have I been sitting here, anyway? A week? A month? All right, it's only been like, five minutes. Excuse me for becoming a drama queen when I'm in danger of dying.

This is way too morbid. I need to think of something else to distract me from my impending doom. New topic… let's see…

You know what movie I love? The Brave Little Toaster. What a quality movie. My favorite character was Lamp. I don't remember why, but-

BOOM!

An explosion in the distance interrupts my thoughts, and a dust cloud rises over the tops of buildings. People begin running in the opposite direction. Someone kicks me, sending me clattering over the red bricks and into a human stampede.

CRASH!

Another explosion, closer this time, and I faintly hear Shizuo's thunderous voice. As another cloud of debris blocks out the sun, I catch a glimpse of a woman's high-heeled shoe. It flashes red, as if warning me to move (which, I would like to remind you, is impossible).

_Crunch._

The spike-like heel of the shoe shoots through my good lens, pounding me into the ground before taking off again. So here I am, now completely broken on both sides, not having the strength to be angry, upset, or feel any emotion at all.

Except maybe relief. Because, quite frankly, I'm a little relieved at finally hitting rock bottom. It can't get any worse than this. And now that I'm here, I see that it really isn't so bad. Maybe someone will throw me away, and I can make friends in a garbage dump.

BANG!

The now-deserted street shakes, and I hear Shizuo roar loudly. Izaya's figure materializes from a dusty haze as he rounds the corner of a building.

"ZING! Kaaa-POW! Faster than lighting!" Switchblade shrieks as Izaya nears me. Red eyes lock onto my figure.

Yes! Could it be… my savior?

Sure enough, Izaya swoops low to pick me up, not slowing down at all. A signpost whizzes over his head, ruffling his hair before he grabs hold of me and straightens up to laugh.

I don't care if this man is insane. Right now, I love him.

"You look like shit," grumbles Jacket. I don't grace her with a reply, and instead look back to see a furious Shizuo chasing after us. Izaya chuckles again, pushing me onto his face even though I'm broken. Oh, I think I really am in love…

We make it all the way to Izaya's apartment building before the scrawny human slows down to catch his breath. He probably knows- just like I do- that Shizuo never continues the chase once Izaya crosses the border between Shinjuku and Ikebukuro.

Izaya approaches the sliding glass doors, freezing when something in the reflection catches his eye. A vending machine is hurling toward us, and Izaya manages to dodge it just before it crashes into the entryway.

This is so weird. Shizuo never continues the chase this far.

"Specs! Whatcu doin' on dat snitch's face?" calls Bow Tie.

"WE'RE GETTING SHIT FACED TONIGHT?" shouts Left Shoe, taking a step forward.

"NO, HE SAID WE HAVE TO FIND THE GOLDEN SNITCH!" corrects Right Shoe, passing over Left Shoe as Shizuo stalks toward us.

Izaya back pedals, gripping Switchblade tightly ("Zaa-CHING!"). The vending machine is blocking the raven's way into the building, and I can feel him begin to sweat from the idea of being trapped.

Shizuo looks furious. I can't tell if he's looking at me, or through me into Izaya's eyes. The blonde says something, and Izaya smirks a reply.

"SO WHAT CLUB ARE WE GOING TO?" asks Left Shoe.

"I THINK YOU MEAN WHAT QUIDDITCH FIELD!" replies Right Shoe.

"I hate to break it to you guys, but shoes can't get shit faced. And there are no such things as wizards," drawls Jacket.

There was a moment of silence.

"Wow. Not cool, Jacket," I say. "I'll have you know that my letter to Hogwarts got lost in the mail."

"Did dat bitch say wut I think dat bitch just say?" Bow Tie speaks up. "Listen, hoe. Just cuz yo all depressed and shit doesn't mean chu can cut down ma swag."

"YOU TELL HER, BOW TIE!" yells the shoes.

"So don't go messin' with ma dreams," he continues, "unless chu be lookin' fo a new face."

"Ohhh-SWISH! Buuurn mothafucka!" laughs Switchblade, glinting.

"You're supposed to be on my side!" snaps Jacket. She starts to sob dramatically, "Nobody likes me anymore. There is no point to life."

"Can you please just skip this step and move on to the acceptance stage?" I sigh. "And nobody liked you to begin with, so shut up."

"At least I'm not broken," mutters Jacket. Ouch.

Meanwhile, our humans have been bantering back and forth. Izaya is now pinned up against the vending machine, talking to a very flustered Shizuo.

"At least I'm not ugly," I retort, slipping down Izaya's nose when Shizuo shoves him against the wall.

"OH SNAP!" shouts the shoes.

"At least my human didn't drop me _twice_," says Jacket.

"DODGE THIS! Ziiiing!" cries Switchblade, Izaya swinging him dangerously close to Shizuo's chest.

"At least my human didn't drop me _on purpose_," I say. Obviously, I'm winning this argument.

"Yeah! Well-!"

But whatever Jacket was gonna say next is cut off when Shizuo grabs her by the fur, clenching the top of her zippers together as he pulls Izaya forward.

And then…

Then…

…

Hold on, my mind is trying to register what is happening.

Okay, well… their lips are touching… no, their lips are smashing against each other. And, um… okay Shizuo pulls away. That's good. Apparently, Izaya is having a hard time comprehending what is happening too, because he obviously doesn't know what to do. His red eyes are wide and… oh my god he's blushing. He wasn't expecting to like it, apparently. Shizuo just looks mad as fuck. Maybe he'll run away. Izaya isn't smirking anymore. He's way too surprised to smirk. Shizuo's the one smirking now. It's like, when their lips touched, the smirk got transferred over or something and-

NOOOOoooo don't lean in, Izaya! Resist temptation, because this is way too fucking weird for everyone here!

Fine. Don't listen to my advice.

Their lips are crushed together again, but this time Izaya is responding to Shizuo's movements. And… oh dear lord. What are their tongues doing? Tongues are for talking, not… twisting around in each other's mouths! I think I'd rather be back on the sidewalk than here witnessing this. Please, drop me to the floor right now and step on me. This is a situation I could easily live without.

THANK GOD they broke apart! They're both panting heavily, and I distantly hear Jacket muttering how her life couldn't get any worse.

Shizuo grumbles something, and Izaya's face erupts into flames. Holy balls, get me off of this skin! I'm burning alive! Hot hot hothothot_hot_!

Izaya tries pushing Shizuo away, but the blonde merely grabs his wrists and pulls him in for another fight… that involves lip touching… and tongue twisting… and now teeth…

They're kissing, alright?

Not breaking contact, they stumble back over to the entryway. Shizuo uses one hand to shove the vending machine out of the way so they can get inside the building. His other hand grabs Izaya by the hair and yanks him away, walking through the opening and into the building.

"OUCH! WATCH THE BROKEN GLASS!" hollers Right Shoe. Is that seriously all he has to say right now?

Izaya hesitates. Several people are in the lobby, staring at Shizuo as he makes his way to the elevators. The elevator dings open, and only then does Shizuo realize that the scrawny human is still standing in the doorway amongst the shattered glass. Shizuo yells something, and Izaya looks back at the freedom of the outdoors.

"Run away, Izaya! Please! Now's your chance!" cries Jacket. I second that.

Shizuo, now holding the elevator door open, yells something again. Izaya becomes angry, stomping inside and ignoring the look of horror he's receiving from the receptionist. He stops in front of Shizuo, and flicks Switchblade in front of the blonde's face.

"HA! Surprise attack-WOAH!" cries Switchblade as Shizuo grabs Izaya by the wrist and yanks him into the elevator. The door shuts as Izaya slams against a wall. I slip dangerously low on his nose, but before I can fall, Shizuo's hand comes out and saves me. Instead of taking me off, however, Shizuo pushes me back securely on the scrawny human's face, whispering something in his ear. Izaya laughs and replies, biting down on Shizuo's shoulder.

"Hey… Bow Tie?" I ask.

"… Yeah?"

"Just making sure you're still alive down there," I reply.

"… I don't know if I am, dawg."

Izaya makes a mortifying noise. The door dings open again, and the two stumble out into the hallway. Shizuo practically knocks Izaya's door off its hinges, and they fall into the darkness. Shizuo kicks the door shut before throwing off Left Shoe.

"CLICK!" screams the remote control when Left Shoe hits it.

"WOAH! HELLO!" shouts Left Shoe.

"Want to watch television?" asks the remote control.

"YOU WENT TO HELL AND PRISON?" shouts Left Shoe.

"Um…"

I don't hear the rest of their conversation as Izaya and Shizuo stagger to the bedroom, losing articles of clothing along the way. They land on the bed, and I'm surprised I'm still on Izaya's face.

"You know, this isn't so bad," comments Jacket when she lands on the headboard of Izaya's bed.

"Oh, _now_ you decide to move on to stage five?" I ask, incredulous.

Shizuo breaks the kiss to peel off Izaya's shirt. He latches his mouth to the raven's neck, making him moan loudly.

Suddenly, Izaya flips them over so that Shizuo is on bottom. Shizuo tenses, watching as Izaya drags Switchblade lower and lower, finally coming to rest on the bulge of his pants.

_Pop_. The button flies off of the black slacks, and Izaya quickly pulls them down along with Shizuo's boxers. Shizuo sucks in a breath when Izaya runs a finger along his hardened cock, then moves lower and licks it. Shizuo groans.

I correct myself from earlier: _this_ is rock bottom. And now that I'm here, I can honestly say that it sucks. I am way too close to Shizuo's forbidden regions.

"Wait! I don't specialize in circumcision!" calls out Switchblade as Izaya runs him along Shizuo's length. "!"

Shizuo must be thinking the same thing. He growls, flipping them over once more so that he's on top. He knocks Switchblade onto the floor ("OHTHANKGAWD!") and holds Izaya's wrists against the bed with one hand. With the other hand, he grabs Bow Tie and pulls him off, tying him tightly around Izaya's wrists.

"Oh, dis iz _so_ not okay, mang!" opposes Bow Tie. "Help! Specs, help me bro!"

"What am I supposed to do? I'm stuck to this scrawny pervert's face! _You_ help _me_!"

Right Shoe lands with a thud next to Switchblade on the floor.

"FreedomWOOH! Jointheparty!" yells Switchblade.

"BACARDI? NO THANKS, LEFT SHOE IS THE ONE THAT WANTS TO GET SHIT FACED," replies Right Shoe.

Shizuo is now rocking on the bed, causing Izaya to moan and gasp.

"I am not comfortable with this! I object!" I cry.

"You know, this is actually quite romantic," drawls Jacket.

"Good grief, Jacket! Pull yourself together and realize what's happening!" I sob. "There is nothing good about this! NOTHING!"

"Dey call me B.T. an' I gotz me sum cash. Drive me 'round with dat chick and her ass."

"Bow Tie!" I yell.

"Guyz an' hoes, and Ties an' Bows, cuz I gotz me sum cash and I'm lookin' fo wayz to blowz…"

"Snap out of it, Bow Tie! I need you for emotional support!"

But Bow Tie continues to rap mindlessly, blocking out the world from his mind. Jacket giggles.

"Hey Testicles," she says, "this is kind of ironic, isn't it?"

"I don't appreciate your accepting attitude!" I snap. "You're only making things worse!"

"Lil' bit of this, lil' bit of dat, give me sum cash an' I'll buyz you a hat."

"A RAT? WHERE?"

"And that's SPECTACLES to you!" I add, my mortification turning to anger.

Oh dear lord, don't tell me I'm grieving.

Somebody save me.

Before I'm broken on the inside, too.

* * *

><p>"TEEEEA! THE TEA IS READY! WOOOOOHOOOO! YEAH! ARE YOU EXCITED FOR YOUR TEA! CAN I GET A WOOT WOOT! TEA TIME!"<p>

It's the morning after what I like to call the "let's-pretend-this-never-happened-and-hope-it-never-happens-again-but-it-probably-will" incident. In short, the LPTNHAHINHABIPWI.

"TEA TIME! HELLOOOOO! THE TEA IS READY!"

"Can you just shut up!" I snap, pissed off already at the way things are turning out. Shizuo is in the shower, and I'm sitting next to the tea kettle. Izaya hums as he pours out the hot water in two mugs, skipping over to the fridge to fish out the milk and eggs.

"Will you stop being such a bitch about everything?" complains Jacket. "They haven't thrown you away yet, so I doubt they ever will."

"That's not what's wrong with this picture!" I retort.

"WHAT DID OPRAH JUST SAY?" shrieks Left Shoe, still sitting in front of the television from the night before. He really likes it here, since he gets to sit on the couch instead of by the door.

"She said wow," answers the remote control.

"HOW?"

"NO, SHE SAID WOW!" screams remote control.

"OH! SHE'S A COW!"

"Oh man, this guy is better than television," mutters the remote control.

"THANK YOU FOR OFFERING! I WOULD LOVE TO GO ON A SECRET MISSION!"

Shizuo comes into the room in nothing but a towel. Izaya opens the dryer and pulls out the bartending uniform.

"TAAA-DAAA!" sings Bow Tie, experiencing being clean for the first time ever. "Fe-breeze haz got nothin' on this!"

"How are you in such a good mood after last night?" I ask him.

"Huh? Wut happened last night, yo?"

"You… Are you serious?" I gape at him. That lucky bastard! Bow Tie's rap/mantra worked! His mind completely blacked out the LPTNHAHINHABIPWI!

Instead of taking the clothes from Izaya and changing like any normal human being would, Shizuo takes one look at Izaya's apron, grins, and picks the scrawny human up. They disappear down the hall, leaving the eggs to burn on top of the stove.

"Bow Ties flyin' high, get low to the flo then touch da sky…" I hear Bow Tie rapping from inside the bedroom.

"FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING DECENT! HAVE YOU NO RESPECT FOR A SHOE'S MENTAL WELL-BEING?" Right Shoe bellows.

"Zing!"

"I have a feeling we'll be spending a lot of time together, Testicles," muses Jacket.

"Shut the fuck up."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **I really don't like this chapter. I re-wrote it three times, but I was never happy with it. I always hated it, actually. So I'm sorry it isn't the best, or the funniest, but I still hope it amused you a little bit!

I would really love to hear what everyone thought. Comment please!

**Love, CircusRunaway**


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